The Big Deal was Kind of Little



I’m sorry I missed my very first deadline…I mean, I know that no one has even read this blog yet, and therefore the only person I broke a promise to was myself…but still! When you are trying to do a major life overhaul, I think it is important to keep your word. I was so exhausted, though, from the after effects of the crazy weekend of a road trip, boating, overeating, and trying to smoke the rest of my cigarettes so that I wouldn’t have anymore (yeah, I really did that). Then add to that the complete 180 I did yesterday- only two cups of coffee, healthy, healthy food, tons of exercise, tons of water, and, most importantly, NO cigarettes…Yeah, I was a little bit wiped out by the end of the day yesterday. But it feels GOOD to be taking action. It feels good not to sit around and just wish I were taking better care of myself. I am a little out of sorts this morning, sipping my coffee without a cig to go along with it- I really did enjoy those little bastards- but it feels incredibly empowering to know that I am taking charge of an addiction (my last one, mind you) that I could literally feel killing me.

The plan for this week is pretty simple: Baby steps, as I am already taking on quite a lot. I did not meal prep or meal plan, I am just going to focus on eating clean as much as possible (meaning no processed, crappy food) and within those parameters, making the healthiest choices possible, with proper portion sizes. I will continue not to smoke. I will get one hour of physical activity per day- 30 minutes of cardio, 30 minutes of strength and/or other, as long as it is me MOVING. I think that is quite a lot for the first week, don’t you agree?

But here’s the deal- I am not doing this simply because I want a better body, or I worry about my health. Those are concerns, of course, but there is more. I honestly believe that the key to my happiness lies in changing my life. That if I care for my body, if I eliminate the toxins from shitty food and horrible cigarettes, I will be destroying a barrier that keeps me from my true, happiest self. It’s not just about the stuff I am putting in my body, it’s about what I am getting out of that stuff. And right now, it is a lot of shame, regret, disappointment, self loathing…when I decided to get off of drugs over a year ago, I thought I was leaving all of that self destructive behavior behind. But I just found a new way to express it, or focused on a different way that I already had been expressing it. I want to take care of myself because I love me, and I think I deserve to feel great.

And here is another thing- I legitimately suffer from ADHD. And when I say “suffer” I am not exaggerating. Not only do I suffer from it, but often times, a lot of the people who love me (my kids, my family) and those who work with me, they suffer right along with me. People with ADHD often suffer from depression when they are living an established routine (as in, adult life) and find it impossible to cope. My doctor explained to me that this is because, without the stimulation of anything new and exciting, the prefrontal cortex stops working correctly. (don’t quote me on that, it may have been some other brain area- I was trying to listen, but was distracted by something shiny 🙂 ) Basically, I go brain dead when I am bored for too long, and I can slip into true depression.

Add to this the fact that I can’t take the stimulants used to correct ADHD thanks to my addiction history, and there is really only one thing I can do: Take the very best care of myself that I am capable of. When I eat right and exercise, it is as good as any medicine I have ever taken. Better, actually, because I have never taken more exercise than prescribed!

My true intention in doing all of this is to find more peace, more happiness. I know that happiness is an inside job, so that is where I am starting- with myself, with how I treat myself. I am starting slow, but hope to experiment with all kinds of fun and unusual things in the weeks ahead. This is going to be SO MUCH FUN!


7 thoughts on “The Big Deal was Kind of Little

  1. Now I think I have ADHD although I don’t think it’s fair to label a lower tolerance for boredom a disorder. I had a decent job that was easy, stress free and would provide security for the rest of my life but it became so routine and boring so I quit.


    1. I think you should consider some kind of diagnosis…at least for fun! Just kidding…I don’t think a low tolerance for boredom is the same thing as clinical depression resulting from under stimulation. 🙂


      1. I’m 90% certain they would put me on meds. Anything that affects your ability to function with normal society is considered a disorder but I think “adult life” is mostly insanity. We just need to become professional motorcycle racers or crocodile hunters.


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